1 00:00:02,080 --> 00:00:05,320 This programme contains some strong language. 2 00:00:05,320 --> 00:00:06,880 For a film about fighting, 3 00:00:06,880 --> 00:00:09,200 there's no much blood in Gladiator. 4 00:00:09,200 --> 00:00:11,120 There's no that much fighting either. 5 00:00:12,080 --> 00:00:13,240 We can skip this bit. 6 00:00:13,240 --> 00:00:15,320 FILM MUSIC SPEEDS UP 7 00:00:16,960 --> 00:00:18,720 Stroking the wheat like a numpty. 8 00:00:18,720 --> 00:00:19,800 FILM PAUSES 9 00:00:19,800 --> 00:00:21,560 So, if you were a gladiator, 10 00:00:21,560 --> 00:00:22,960 what sort would you be? 11 00:00:22,960 --> 00:00:24,000 Tiger. 12 00:00:24,000 --> 00:00:25,720 Which human gladiator? 13 00:00:25,720 --> 00:00:27,320 What weapon would you have? 14 00:00:27,320 --> 00:00:28,720 Sword and shield. 15 00:00:28,720 --> 00:00:30,240 The classic combination. 16 00:00:30,240 --> 00:00:32,680 Stab, stab, hide! 17 00:00:32,680 --> 00:00:33,720 Nah. 18 00:00:33,720 --> 00:00:35,160 Remember that bit back in Africa? 19 00:00:35,160 --> 00:00:36,640 The guy with the fork and the net. 20 00:00:36,640 --> 00:00:37,680 I'd be him. 21 00:00:37,680 --> 00:00:40,280 Aye, and then I'd stab you with my sword, 22 00:00:40,280 --> 00:00:42,240 and hide. 23 00:00:42,240 --> 00:00:44,640 Fork and net could beat sword and shield, no bother. 24 00:00:44,640 --> 00:00:45,680 Bollocks. 25 00:00:50,640 --> 00:00:51,680 Prove it. 26 00:00:53,760 --> 00:00:54,800 Right! 27 00:00:59,560 --> 00:01:01,280 First off, that's a daft wee fork. 28 00:01:01,280 --> 00:01:03,280 Net! I wasn't ready! 29 00:01:03,280 --> 00:01:05,760 And...fork! Argh! 30 00:01:05,760 --> 00:01:07,520 That's my favourite bollock! 31 00:01:07,520 --> 00:01:09,280 MAC GIGGLES 32 00:01:36,520 --> 00:01:39,920 So I've been doing the old end of tour ammo audit... 33 00:01:39,920 --> 00:01:40,960 Yawn, boo, dull. 34 00:01:40,960 --> 00:01:44,160 ..and I've found a few tiny discrepancies I'd like you to sign off on. 35 00:01:44,160 --> 00:01:45,320 Discrepancies? 36 00:01:45,320 --> 00:01:47,640 Everyone makes the odd mistake, don't they? 37 00:01:47,640 --> 00:01:49,920 The fog of war, and all that. 38 00:01:49,920 --> 00:01:51,520 The cloud of combat. 39 00:01:51,520 --> 00:01:54,280 The mist of mislaying two dozen mortar shells. 40 00:01:54,280 --> 00:01:56,480 So here, here, and here. 41 00:01:58,760 --> 00:02:02,320 Sorry, three cases of missing flares from the first week of November? 42 00:02:03,280 --> 00:02:04,960 Makeshift firework night. 43 00:02:06,800 --> 00:02:07,880 Bickie? 44 00:02:07,880 --> 00:02:09,480 Oh, I try to avoid refined sugar. 45 00:02:09,480 --> 00:02:10,520 Course you do. 46 00:02:11,640 --> 00:02:14,160 Next to these missing 7.62 rounds, it says... 47 00:02:15,120 --> 00:02:16,160 .."barbecue"? 48 00:02:17,720 --> 00:02:20,040 The goats in question did look a BIT Taliban-y. 49 00:02:21,360 --> 00:02:23,240 Well, they had beards. 50 00:02:23,240 --> 00:02:25,200 Sir, these aren't tiny discrepancies. 51 00:02:25,200 --> 00:02:27,120 I'm not willing to just fudge the paperwork. 52 00:02:27,120 --> 00:02:29,520 Course not! Well within your rights. But... 53 00:02:30,920 --> 00:02:31,960 ..please? 54 00:02:33,440 --> 00:02:35,040 Don't make me say "pretty please". 55 00:02:35,040 --> 00:02:37,840 I'm sorry, sir, if mistakes have been made then those responsible 56 00:02:37,840 --> 00:02:39,680 should be made to face the consequences. 57 00:02:39,680 --> 00:02:41,600 Pretty please? 58 00:02:41,600 --> 00:02:42,840 I have a team meeting. 59 00:02:42,840 --> 00:02:44,400 Good work, Captain Best. Carry on. 60 00:02:52,080 --> 00:02:54,720 OK, not much to discuss today. Brilliant. Can we go? 61 00:02:54,720 --> 00:02:56,560 Not until we've worked through the agenda. 62 00:02:56,560 --> 00:02:58,440 Yeah! Wait for the agenda, Mac. 63 00:02:58,440 --> 00:03:01,760 Item one. Towerblock and I will be conducting ANA training. 64 00:03:01,760 --> 00:03:04,320 Or, "Hey, you Afghan twats, stop poking bombs with a stick." 65 00:03:04,320 --> 00:03:05,360 THEY LAUGH 66 00:03:05,360 --> 00:03:08,160 They have some very promising operators, actually. 67 00:03:08,160 --> 00:03:10,200 So, item one, check! 68 00:03:11,120 --> 00:03:12,160 Item two. 69 00:03:12,160 --> 00:03:13,520 Any other business? 70 00:03:13,520 --> 00:03:15,560 Did we really need an agenda? 71 00:03:15,560 --> 00:03:16,960 Can we go now, please? 72 00:03:16,960 --> 00:03:18,680 Er, well, I suppose we've... 73 00:03:19,720 --> 00:03:21,320 Yeah, erm... Dismissed. 74 00:03:21,320 --> 00:03:23,200 Right, better get a move on. 75 00:03:24,600 --> 00:03:25,800 Sorry, Simon, can you...? 76 00:03:25,800 --> 00:03:27,040 Help? Sure! 77 00:03:27,040 --> 00:03:28,960 I could carry that for you? I've got it. 78 00:03:38,440 --> 00:03:40,560 Er... Simon? 79 00:03:40,560 --> 00:03:41,600 Stay. 80 00:03:47,120 --> 00:03:48,280 So, boss. 81 00:03:48,280 --> 00:03:50,800 Are you going to do the whole "sick husband" routine, then? 82 00:03:50,800 --> 00:03:52,360 I'm sorry? 83 00:03:52,360 --> 00:03:54,240 I thought all female ATOs did this? 84 00:03:54,240 --> 00:03:56,840 Well, you know how the ANA don't think that women should work, 85 00:03:56,840 --> 00:03:59,440 but you say your husband's sick and he ordered you to get a job, 86 00:03:59,440 --> 00:04:01,760 and then, for some mental reason, they respect you. 87 00:04:01,760 --> 00:04:04,080 But I'm not married, so... 88 00:04:04,080 --> 00:04:05,720 Yeah, it's a tactical lie. 89 00:04:05,720 --> 00:04:06,840 To get the job done. 90 00:04:06,840 --> 00:04:08,720 If you can't get a job done without lying, 91 00:04:08,720 --> 00:04:10,560 then you're not doing that job properly. 92 00:04:10,560 --> 00:04:11,880 "H" to the "T" to the "S". 93 00:04:11,880 --> 00:04:14,360 Honesty leads to trust, leads to success. 94 00:04:15,600 --> 00:04:17,240 Have you met the ANA, boss? 95 00:04:17,240 --> 00:04:19,360 It'll be "A" to the "N" to the "no fucking way". 96 00:04:23,160 --> 00:04:24,280 You ready? 97 00:04:24,280 --> 00:04:25,840 Aye. 98 00:04:25,840 --> 00:04:26,920 Stab stab hide! 99 00:04:28,080 --> 00:04:29,280 Stab, stab! Net! 100 00:04:29,280 --> 00:04:31,440 Oh! 101 00:04:31,440 --> 00:04:32,760 Aah, ooh! 102 00:04:32,760 --> 00:04:33,800 And...fork! 103 00:04:33,800 --> 00:04:35,400 HE GROANS 104 00:04:35,400 --> 00:04:37,440 Argh, ma other bollock! 105 00:04:45,480 --> 00:04:46,920 Bird... 106 00:04:46,920 --> 00:04:48,800 do you think the boss is behaving oddly? 107 00:04:50,120 --> 00:04:52,520 You mean, since you started totally fancying her? 108 00:04:52,520 --> 00:04:57,040 Pfft! That's too ridic... No! You so do, Simon. No. 109 00:04:57,040 --> 00:04:59,480 You are harbouring sexual tension. 110 00:04:59,480 --> 00:05:00,920 No. 111 00:05:00,920 --> 00:05:03,720 Says the man trying to wank off his SA-80. 112 00:05:06,800 --> 00:05:10,080 But...oh, yes, well, OK. OK. 113 00:05:10,080 --> 00:05:12,720 The boss is, purely objectively, a very attractive woman. 114 00:05:14,360 --> 00:05:17,000 If she were a civilian, would I notice her? I might well do. 115 00:05:17,000 --> 00:05:19,560 But this is the army, so I do not notice her. 116 00:05:19,560 --> 00:05:20,800 Right. 117 00:05:20,800 --> 00:05:22,200 Good. 118 00:05:22,200 --> 00:05:25,880 Could I imagine...being with someone not unlike her? 119 00:05:26,840 --> 00:05:33,400 Say...enjoying a sharing platter at a local gastro pub? 120 00:05:33,400 --> 00:05:35,920 Waking up every morning, next to her, 121 00:05:35,920 --> 00:05:38,160 waiting for little Denise, and... 122 00:05:38,160 --> 00:05:40,480 Simon Jr to scamper in? No. 123 00:05:41,480 --> 00:05:44,000 Because she is an officer, and I am not. 124 00:05:44,000 --> 00:05:46,880 And some of us, Bird, respect boundaries. 125 00:05:46,880 --> 00:05:48,400 Oh, so you're having a go at me now? 126 00:05:48,400 --> 00:05:51,960 No, what happened between you and Nick is entirely your own business. Oh, thank you! 127 00:05:51,960 --> 00:05:54,080 No matter how unprofessional and sordid it was. 128 00:05:54,080 --> 00:05:58,760 So, I do not need lessons from you on how not to fancy the boss. 129 00:05:59,920 --> 00:06:01,240 Which I don't anyway, so... 130 00:06:04,680 --> 00:06:07,520 You know she's totally into you? What? Oh. 131 00:06:07,520 --> 00:06:09,520 No. That's terrible. 132 00:06:09,520 --> 00:06:10,800 Yeah! 133 00:06:10,800 --> 00:06:13,360 But...since you saved her from that grenade, 134 00:06:13,360 --> 00:06:14,960 it's basically inevitable. 135 00:06:16,080 --> 00:06:17,200 Is it? 136 00:06:17,200 --> 00:06:19,440 Look, I never told anyone this, 137 00:06:19,440 --> 00:06:21,600 but the reason me and Nick happened? 138 00:06:23,120 --> 00:06:27,760 We did this exercise where he had to rescue me, and it totally got to me. 139 00:06:27,760 --> 00:06:29,560 We HAD to shag, 140 00:06:29,560 --> 00:06:34,120 otherwise sexual tensions would've ruined unit cohesion. 141 00:06:34,120 --> 00:06:36,800 So you're saying that me and the boss, we need...? No! No. 142 00:06:36,800 --> 00:06:38,560 No, because, like with me and Nick, 143 00:06:38,560 --> 00:06:41,160 that would be sordid and unprofessional. 144 00:06:42,200 --> 00:06:43,720 Now, you need to talk to her. 145 00:06:43,720 --> 00:06:46,160 Yeah, get everything on the table, 146 00:06:46,160 --> 00:06:48,160 so you can take it off the table. Ha! 147 00:06:48,160 --> 00:06:50,320 Otherwise we have sex on that table. 148 00:06:50,320 --> 00:06:51,880 Her on top, obviously. 149 00:06:51,880 --> 00:06:53,920 Rank hath its privileges. 150 00:06:53,920 --> 00:06:56,240 No, it's operational purposes... 151 00:06:56,240 --> 00:06:58,400 Mm-hm. ..to clear the air. 152 00:07:06,000 --> 00:07:08,320 Why did people ever abandon net and fork? 153 00:07:08,320 --> 00:07:10,600 Best melee weapon ever. 154 00:07:10,600 --> 00:07:12,240 Something better must've come along. 155 00:07:13,520 --> 00:07:15,120 Who came after the Romans? 156 00:07:15,120 --> 00:07:16,400 Huns. 157 00:07:16,400 --> 00:07:18,480 Vandals. Vikings, eventually. 158 00:07:18,480 --> 00:07:20,760 Well, there you go. Vikings. 159 00:07:20,760 --> 00:07:22,320 An axe would beat a net and fork. 160 00:07:25,880 --> 00:07:27,520 DARKLY: You starting something, pal? 161 00:07:33,560 --> 00:07:35,800 We can't start without Faruq to translate. 162 00:07:35,800 --> 00:07:37,800 S'all right, Boss. I've got a bit of Pashto. 163 00:07:37,800 --> 00:07:39,560 Oh, really? Fantastic! 164 00:07:41,960 --> 00:07:43,600 IN PASHTO: Sahr pikheyr. 165 00:07:46,040 --> 00:07:47,800 That's it, I'm out. 166 00:07:47,800 --> 00:07:49,440 Oh. Well, that was... 167 00:07:50,480 --> 00:07:51,640 Where is Faruq? 168 00:07:51,640 --> 00:07:54,680 Well, he ripped me off on some DVDs, so he's probably avoiding me. 169 00:07:55,920 --> 00:07:58,080 Oh, speak of the twat. 170 00:07:58,080 --> 00:07:59,600 Oi, you! 171 00:07:59,600 --> 00:08:01,200 I asked for two series of Top Gear. 172 00:08:01,200 --> 00:08:03,360 Yes. And not Chinese Top Gear. 173 00:08:03,360 --> 00:08:04,600 Proper Top Gear. 174 00:08:04,600 --> 00:08:07,440 Why would I want Chinese Jeremy Clarkson in a crappy Chinese car, 175 00:08:07,440 --> 00:08:09,200 being racist about the British? 176 00:08:09,200 --> 00:08:10,600 Although... 177 00:08:10,600 --> 00:08:12,840 Chinese Richard Hammond is PROPER funny. 178 00:08:12,840 --> 00:08:15,240 Alas, I cannot discuss business. 179 00:08:15,240 --> 00:08:16,640 For I am on strike. 180 00:08:16,640 --> 00:08:17,960 You what? 181 00:08:17,960 --> 00:08:20,280 You bell-end! OK, Faruq, can you tell... 182 00:08:20,280 --> 00:08:22,240 Again, alas, no. 183 00:08:22,240 --> 00:08:23,560 I am on strike. 184 00:08:23,560 --> 00:08:24,800 Er...why? 185 00:08:24,800 --> 00:08:27,440 Today, I heard about my long-awaited UK visa. 186 00:08:27,440 --> 00:08:30,480 Oh, so now you're all sorted, you're just going to slack off? No. 187 00:08:30,480 --> 00:08:32,480 I am on a non-priority wait list. 188 00:08:32,480 --> 00:08:35,560 They hope to issue my visa by 2022! 189 00:08:35,560 --> 00:08:38,200 Roughly six years after the Taliban kill me... 190 00:08:38,200 --> 00:08:39,240 for helping you. 191 00:08:39,240 --> 00:08:42,280 Well, I'm sorry to hear about that. But that's just how the system works. 192 00:08:42,280 --> 00:08:44,600 It's not our fault, there's nothing we can do about it. 193 00:08:44,600 --> 00:08:48,960 Fine. Then it is not your fault there will be no translating today. 194 00:08:48,960 --> 00:08:50,640 It's just how the system works. 195 00:09:02,640 --> 00:09:04,080 THO-O-O—OR! 196 00:09:04,080 --> 00:09:05,160 NE-E-E-ET! 197 00:09:05,160 --> 00:09:07,600 Whoa, whoa! I'm dizzy! 198 00:09:09,280 --> 00:09:12,680 And... FO-O-O-ORK! 199 00:09:16,880 --> 00:09:18,360 Er...boss? 200 00:09:19,400 --> 00:09:21,280 Can I have a word? 201 00:09:21,280 --> 00:09:22,480 Sure. 202 00:09:29,680 --> 00:09:31,600 It's come to my attention that... 203 00:09:32,920 --> 00:09:35,680 ..certain things have...happened, 204 00:09:35,680 --> 00:09:38,560 and those things 205 00:09:38,560 --> 00:09:41,040 have had...effects. 206 00:09:41,040 --> 00:09:42,600 Sorry, what things? HE INTERRUPTS 207 00:09:42,600 --> 00:09:46,880 And it's best that we put those effects on the table, 208 00:09:46,880 --> 00:09:49,960 in case unit cohesion 209 00:09:49,960 --> 00:09:54,320 becomes unit de-hesion...un-hesion. 210 00:09:54,320 --> 00:09:55,960 I don't know the right word. 211 00:09:57,520 --> 00:09:58,800 Magnets! 212 00:09:58,800 --> 00:10:00,760 Magnets cohere. 213 00:10:01,880 --> 00:10:04,440 But it is the wrong type of cohesion. 214 00:10:05,520 --> 00:10:08,880 So, we must be like 215 00:10:08,880 --> 00:10:10,400 two magnets, 216 00:10:10,400 --> 00:10:13,160 with the wrong ends facing so that they repel. 217 00:10:15,360 --> 00:10:17,600 You KNOW what I mean. 218 00:10:17,600 --> 00:10:19,440 So there, it was... it was on the table 219 00:10:19,440 --> 00:10:20,680 and now it's off the table. 220 00:10:21,880 --> 00:10:23,240 It's over. 221 00:10:23,240 --> 00:10:24,280 It's finished. 222 00:10:25,200 --> 00:10:26,800 Magnets. 223 00:10:26,800 --> 00:10:28,200 Thank you for your time. 224 00:10:34,680 --> 00:10:37,360 It's been a long tour for Simon, hasn't it? 225 00:10:37,360 --> 00:10:39,440 It's been a long life. 226 00:10:39,440 --> 00:10:42,440 Ah, Captain Best, would you mind signing this leaving card? 227 00:10:42,440 --> 00:10:43,640 Oh. Who's it for? 228 00:10:43,640 --> 00:10:45,320 Biffa, the chef. 229 00:10:45,320 --> 00:10:46,480 Much loved. 230 00:10:46,480 --> 00:10:50,120 But we're all leaving. We're handing over the base to the ANA. 231 00:10:50,120 --> 00:10:53,320 This is the first of many, so chop chop! 232 00:10:53,320 --> 00:10:56,360 Sign here, here, here. 233 00:10:58,840 --> 00:10:59,880 HE COUGHS 234 00:11:01,440 --> 00:11:02,480 Bloody moths. 235 00:11:03,640 --> 00:11:05,280 No, fair enough. Carry on! 236 00:11:08,360 --> 00:11:09,440 Simon. 237 00:11:09,440 --> 00:11:11,480 What happened? Oh, sorted. 238 00:11:11,480 --> 00:11:13,760 All out in the open. Mmm... Not what Towerblock said. 239 00:11:13,760 --> 00:11:15,160 What?! He was listening? 240 00:11:15,160 --> 00:11:18,320 He said you made bollock-all sense. You kept going on about magnets. 241 00:11:18,320 --> 00:11:20,840 I...hmm. I may have mentioned a magnet. 242 00:11:20,840 --> 00:11:24,200 OK, well, the boss didn't have a clue what you were talking about. Oh. 243 00:11:24,200 --> 00:11:25,480 You need a new approach. 244 00:11:25,480 --> 00:11:27,840 Do I? Right. 245 00:11:27,840 --> 00:11:30,160 OK. We know she likes you. 246 00:11:30,160 --> 00:11:33,600 No-one can say that's not true. 247 00:11:33,600 --> 00:11:35,680 But she's in far too much denial to admit it. 248 00:11:36,640 --> 00:11:38,320 Ah...she's resisting. 249 00:11:39,800 --> 00:11:42,160 So you need to make yourself... 250 00:11:42,160 --> 00:11:43,640 irresistible. 251 00:11:43,640 --> 00:11:44,960 How, how do I do that? 252 00:11:44,960 --> 00:11:47,760 Find out what she likes in a man, and be that man. 253 00:11:47,760 --> 00:11:50,480 You need to speak to her roommate. Right. 254 00:11:50,480 --> 00:11:51,960 That's you! 255 00:11:51,960 --> 00:11:53,840 Bird... 256 00:11:53,840 --> 00:11:55,120 what does she like in a man? 257 00:11:55,120 --> 00:11:57,320 Well, since you ask, Simon, 258 00:11:57,320 --> 00:12:00,640 she often says the thing she misses the most, being in the army, are 259 00:12:00,640 --> 00:12:03,680 intellectual, sensitive men, who... 260 00:12:04,680 --> 00:12:05,800 ..who like animals. 261 00:12:10,800 --> 00:12:13,160 This poor cow and its inverted uterus! 262 00:12:15,040 --> 00:12:16,360 I saw that once on a cat... 263 00:12:17,840 --> 00:12:20,040 ..after my mate Stevie shoved a Hoover up its arse. 264 00:12:21,200 --> 00:12:22,640 Are you all right, Simon? 265 00:12:22,640 --> 00:12:23,960 It's just so moving. 266 00:12:25,320 --> 00:12:27,720 And intellectually stimulating. 267 00:12:30,160 --> 00:12:31,760 Like a sad crossword. 268 00:12:45,440 --> 00:12:48,640 OK, Towerblock, confirming disruption. I'm on my way back. 269 00:12:48,640 --> 00:12:49,760 'Roger that, boss. 270 00:12:49,760 --> 00:12:50,960 'Have a nice paddle.' 271 00:13:01,800 --> 00:13:05,000 So, the device is much bigger than I expected. 272 00:13:05,000 --> 00:13:08,040 Four containers of HME, circa 30 kilos each, so... 273 00:13:08,040 --> 00:13:11,000 'Oh, mint!' I'm going to need some more pulleys. 274 00:13:11,000 --> 00:13:12,440 'Boss.' 275 00:13:14,720 --> 00:13:17,920 Oh, boss, PLEASE can we blow it in situ? Please, please, please? 276 00:13:17,920 --> 00:13:20,280 No, because then we'd destroy the bridge 277 00:13:20,280 --> 00:13:21,880 that the engineers are coming to fix. 278 00:13:21,880 --> 00:13:24,160 Yeah. The Wedge love a challenge! 279 00:13:24,160 --> 00:13:25,640 Thank you. 280 00:13:25,640 --> 00:13:26,960 Boss on the move! 281 00:13:30,880 --> 00:13:32,280 ENGINE RUMBLING 282 00:13:32,280 --> 00:13:33,360 Skip! 283 00:13:33,360 --> 00:13:34,640 We've got a dicker. 284 00:13:36,200 --> 00:13:38,000 ROCKET: He's not stopping. 285 00:13:38,000 --> 00:13:39,040 Ma'am. 286 00:13:40,760 --> 00:13:41,880 Getting chatter on ICOM. 287 00:13:42,840 --> 00:13:44,840 OK, Rocket, if I give the word, take him out. 288 00:13:46,640 --> 00:13:47,800 Wait! 289 00:13:47,800 --> 00:13:48,920 It's just Faruq. 290 00:13:50,720 --> 00:13:52,160 Should I still shoot him, skip? 291 00:13:53,520 --> 00:13:54,560 SADLY: No. 292 00:13:59,400 --> 00:14:00,920 Hello, my friends! 293 00:14:00,920 --> 00:14:03,840 Not a dicker, just a dick. 294 00:14:03,840 --> 00:14:05,520 You not on strike any more then? 295 00:14:05,520 --> 00:14:08,280 I am merely bringing refreshments for the ANA. 296 00:14:08,280 --> 00:14:09,400 ROCKET: Oh! 297 00:14:09,400 --> 00:14:11,480 Behold, sorbets! 298 00:14:11,480 --> 00:14:14,080 I have mango, opium, chicken. 299 00:14:14,080 --> 00:14:15,160 Oh! 300 00:14:18,320 --> 00:14:19,400 Bit more on ICOM. 301 00:14:19,400 --> 00:14:20,920 Faruq, you want to help us out here? 302 00:14:20,920 --> 00:14:23,680 Ah. Sadly, I remain on strike. 303 00:14:23,680 --> 00:14:26,880 Oh, then you won't be able to translate this! 304 00:14:26,880 --> 00:14:29,080 GUNFIRE 305 00:14:29,080 --> 00:14:30,880 Contact! Contact! Contact! 306 00:14:32,880 --> 00:14:33,960 Boss! 307 00:14:43,360 --> 00:14:45,880 ICOM'S going mental! Faruq, what are they saying? 308 00:14:47,200 --> 00:14:49,080 Take it! 309 00:14:49,080 --> 00:14:50,840 Faruq, will you stop being a bell-end? 310 00:14:57,640 --> 00:14:58,880 The barren spinster... 311 00:15:01,000 --> 00:15:02,040 ..is by the river. 312 00:15:05,360 --> 00:15:07,160 They are trying to capture Captain Ellen! 313 00:15:10,200 --> 00:15:12,240 Simon! Six o'clock, in the river! 314 00:15:27,800 --> 00:15:28,880 They are retreating. 315 00:15:28,880 --> 00:15:30,560 GUNFIRE STOPS 316 00:15:36,160 --> 00:15:38,400 Are you OK, boss? Fine. 317 00:15:38,400 --> 00:15:40,880 Much as I hate to say it, Faruq just saved your arse, there. 318 00:15:40,880 --> 00:15:41,920 Faruq? 319 00:15:41,920 --> 00:15:43,880 Don't worry, ma'am, I was all over your arse. 320 00:15:45,280 --> 00:15:47,600 Er, no, I meant an eye on the... Yes, thanks, Simon. 321 00:15:47,600 --> 00:15:51,240 Towerblock, if Faruq wasn't on strike, we'd be aware of the threat in the first place. 322 00:15:51,240 --> 00:15:53,640 I'm just saying, maybe we should try and sort his visa. 323 00:15:54,840 --> 00:15:57,000 If Faruq stays on strike, we can't do training, 324 00:15:57,000 --> 00:15:58,520 ops are compromised. 325 00:15:58,520 --> 00:16:00,240 At least ask the Colonel about it, boss. 326 00:16:00,240 --> 00:16:03,600 Look, if you think you can do something about it, then be my guest. 327 00:16:03,600 --> 00:16:05,600 ROCKET: Chicken...not nice. 328 00:16:05,600 --> 00:16:07,080 Should've gone for the opium. 329 00:16:07,080 --> 00:16:08,240 Eurgh! 330 00:16:17,200 --> 00:16:19,600 Sir. At ease, Corporal. 331 00:16:19,600 --> 00:16:21,040 Now, what can I do for you? 332 00:16:21,040 --> 00:16:23,080 Sir, it's about Faruq's visa. 333 00:16:23,080 --> 00:16:24,720 He won't get it until 2022. 334 00:16:24,720 --> 00:16:26,120 By which time the Taliban will be 335 00:16:26,120 --> 00:16:28,600 using his skull as a novelty commode. 336 00:16:28,600 --> 00:16:29,880 Tricky. 337 00:16:29,880 --> 00:16:32,960 Trouble is, Captain Best didn't exactly give him a glowing reference. 338 00:16:34,000 --> 00:16:35,960 So, if he had a better reference...? 339 00:16:36,920 --> 00:16:38,360 Who knows? 340 00:16:38,360 --> 00:16:39,520 Well, I do. 341 00:16:39,520 --> 00:16:42,320 He'd get put on the priority wait list and get a visa within weeks. 342 00:16:43,360 --> 00:16:45,520 Here's his application, should anyone wish to... 343 00:16:45,520 --> 00:16:46,760 reconsider matters. 344 00:16:48,440 --> 00:16:50,640 He hasn't helped himself, mind. 345 00:16:50,640 --> 00:16:52,120 Look at his CV! 346 00:16:52,120 --> 00:16:54,320 "Interpreter, salesman... 347 00:16:54,320 --> 00:16:55,480 "crooner"?! 348 00:16:55,480 --> 00:16:58,280 Well, who hasn't pimped their CV a bit? 349 00:16:58,280 --> 00:17:01,040 Mine says that I'm a team player who's good with people! 350 00:17:01,040 --> 00:17:02,360 Now piss off, you twat! 351 00:17:03,680 --> 00:17:04,800 See? 352 00:17:11,800 --> 00:17:13,920 I'm not sure this is going to work. 353 00:17:13,920 --> 00:17:15,640 About-turn on that medal. 354 00:17:15,640 --> 00:17:19,800 What woman doesn't love the sight of glistening muscles? 355 00:17:19,800 --> 00:17:22,440 Oh, God, I smell like a bloody chip shop. 356 00:17:22,440 --> 00:17:25,000 Trust me, Simon. I'm close to jumping you myself. 357 00:17:28,080 --> 00:17:29,120 Right. 358 00:17:32,160 --> 00:17:34,080 Aah! THUD 359 00:17:35,160 --> 00:17:37,400 All right? Yes... 360 00:17:38,920 --> 00:17:41,480 Listen, you know how you said Faruq's visa wasn't our fault? 361 00:17:41,480 --> 00:17:43,400 Well...it is. 362 00:17:43,400 --> 00:17:45,560 How? I wrote him a nice, honest reference. 363 00:17:45,560 --> 00:17:47,880 Which is exactly why they won't let him in the country. 364 00:17:47,880 --> 00:17:49,640 Well, it's too late to change it now. 365 00:17:49,640 --> 00:17:52,800 And even if it isn't, it's against my principles to just lie. 366 00:17:52,800 --> 00:17:55,440 Yeah. I mean, you know what the Taliban do 367 00:17:55,440 --> 00:17:57,040 to 'terps that they capture, but... 368 00:17:57,040 --> 00:17:59,000 your principles, yeah, they come first. 369 00:17:59,000 --> 00:18:01,320 Yeah, I get that, ma'am, I really fucking get it. 370 00:18:08,240 --> 00:18:11,520 Cha-a-a-a-arge! 371 00:18:12,800 --> 00:18:13,840 Whoa-oh! 372 00:18:13,840 --> 00:18:14,880 Whoa! 373 00:18:14,880 --> 00:18:16,960 CRASH 374 00:18:18,840 --> 00:18:19,880 DEBRIS RATTLES 375 00:18:19,880 --> 00:18:22,000 ROCKET GRUNTS 376 00:18:22,000 --> 00:18:25,120 HE PANTS 377 00:18:25,120 --> 00:18:27,600 HE GROANS 378 00:18:28,920 --> 00:18:30,000 And fork! 379 00:18:30,000 --> 00:18:31,520 Not the bollocks! 380 00:18:31,520 --> 00:18:32,640 Oh! 381 00:18:32,640 --> 00:18:33,960 Ma nipples! 382 00:18:39,160 --> 00:18:40,800 Ah, Captain Best. 383 00:18:40,800 --> 00:18:42,360 What can I do for you? 384 00:18:42,360 --> 00:18:45,280 I would like to file a new reference for Faruq, 385 00:18:45,280 --> 00:18:46,640 to help with his visa. 386 00:18:46,640 --> 00:18:49,160 Impossible, sadly, the application's in the system now. 387 00:18:49,160 --> 00:18:51,080 But Towerblock said... Unless... 388 00:18:51,080 --> 00:18:53,120 if there had been a mistake with the paperwork, 389 00:18:53,120 --> 00:18:54,680 I'm sure people would understand. 390 00:18:55,800 --> 00:18:57,480 Fog of war, and all that. 391 00:19:01,240 --> 00:19:03,920 Sir, I have made a... 392 00:19:05,960 --> 00:19:08,880 ..mistake, with Faruq's reference. 393 00:19:08,880 --> 00:19:10,160 Really? 394 00:19:10,160 --> 00:19:11,320 Gosh! 395 00:19:11,320 --> 00:19:12,760 That's not like you. 396 00:19:12,760 --> 00:19:14,640 No, it's not. It's really, really not. 397 00:19:15,600 --> 00:19:18,160 But I, accidentally... 398 00:19:19,480 --> 00:19:21,440 ..filed a reference meant for someone else. 399 00:19:21,440 --> 00:19:22,520 Are you sure? 400 00:19:23,520 --> 00:19:24,920 I've got a copy here. 401 00:19:24,920 --> 00:19:26,040 Let's have a little look. 402 00:19:27,520 --> 00:19:30,800 "His attitude to property is morally flexible." 403 00:19:30,800 --> 00:19:32,080 Yes, I did write that. 404 00:19:32,080 --> 00:19:34,360 But that is actually... 405 00:19:35,440 --> 00:19:37,920 ..Mac's end of tour appraisal. 406 00:19:37,920 --> 00:19:39,120 Really? 407 00:19:39,120 --> 00:19:40,800 Ah, well of course. 408 00:19:40,800 --> 00:19:43,920 "His spoken English is passable at best." That does make sense. 409 00:19:43,920 --> 00:19:45,760 This is the correct one. 410 00:19:47,920 --> 00:19:50,720 "He is an exemplary colleague, and trusted friend." 411 00:19:50,720 --> 00:19:52,040 What a contrasting tone. 412 00:19:52,040 --> 00:19:53,720 HE CHUCKLES 413 00:19:53,720 --> 00:19:55,160 So, you want to swap the two? 414 00:19:55,160 --> 00:19:57,680 If it wouldn't be too much trouble, sir. 415 00:19:57,680 --> 00:19:59,840 Oh, I've just remembered. 416 00:19:59,840 --> 00:20:02,000 I've got a paperwork-related problem, too. 417 00:20:03,360 --> 00:20:05,240 Now, what was it again? 418 00:20:05,240 --> 00:20:06,280 Oh, yes. 419 00:20:07,440 --> 00:20:09,280 The ammunition audit! 420 00:20:09,280 --> 00:20:12,920 You couldn't just append your signature here, here... 421 00:20:12,920 --> 00:20:14,520 and here, 422 00:20:14,520 --> 00:20:15,560 could you? 423 00:20:17,840 --> 00:20:19,240 Certainly, sir. Mmm. 424 00:20:22,720 --> 00:20:23,880 Thank you, Captain. 425 00:20:25,240 --> 00:20:27,240 And I will just do... 426 00:20:27,240 --> 00:20:28,440 this. 427 00:20:28,440 --> 00:20:29,680 There. 428 00:20:29,680 --> 00:20:31,680 That wasn't so bad, was it? 429 00:20:31,680 --> 00:20:32,960 No, sir. 430 00:20:32,960 --> 00:20:34,000 Carry on. 431 00:20:38,720 --> 00:20:40,800 Romance?! Really? 432 00:20:40,800 --> 00:20:42,440 What can I say? We're roomies. 433 00:20:42,440 --> 00:20:45,080 She likes a bit of candlelight, a bit of music. 434 00:20:45,080 --> 00:20:46,760 Simon, it's for the good of the team. 435 00:20:46,760 --> 00:20:49,480 No, I am SHIT at romance. 436 00:20:49,480 --> 00:20:52,120 Once, for Charlotte, I put a hundred candles in our bedroom. 437 00:20:52,120 --> 00:20:53,840 FYI... 438 00:20:53,840 --> 00:20:57,280 it takes seconds for a polycotton duvet to be consumed by flame, so... 439 00:20:57,280 --> 00:21:01,080 She actually said your name in her sleep last night. 440 00:21:01,080 --> 00:21:02,920 You... 441 00:21:02,920 --> 00:21:06,200 DREAMILY: "Oh, Si-i-imon... 442 00:21:06,200 --> 00:21:09,360 "Si-i-imo-o-o-on!" 443 00:21:09,360 --> 00:21:11,800 Oh, God. 444 00:21:11,800 --> 00:21:12,920 Poor Ellen. 445 00:21:12,920 --> 00:21:14,320 Yeah, poor Ellen. 446 00:21:15,360 --> 00:21:17,200 Poor, poor Ellen. 447 00:21:19,520 --> 00:21:21,040 I suddenly really need the toilet. 448 00:21:22,280 --> 00:21:23,360 I'm not having... 449 00:21:25,480 --> 00:21:27,080 Taking a piss. 450 00:21:27,080 --> 00:21:30,040 And not a...sex piss. 451 00:21:31,080 --> 00:21:33,680 The hand will remain stationary at all times. 452 00:22:09,520 --> 00:22:12,960 And so, the decline of the Roman Empire remains a mystery. 453 00:22:14,520 --> 00:22:15,840 TOWERBLOCK: Bollocks! 454 00:22:15,840 --> 00:22:17,960 There's no way that net and fork's any good. 455 00:22:17,960 --> 00:22:20,920 An army that marches with net and fork is invincible. 456 00:22:20,920 --> 00:22:22,200 As I will prove, 457 00:22:22,200 --> 00:22:23,400 when we get back to base. 458 00:22:23,400 --> 00:22:25,160 You're on. 459 00:22:25,160 --> 00:22:27,240 Mr Towerblock. 460 00:22:27,240 --> 00:22:28,640 I have a present for you! 461 00:22:30,560 --> 00:22:32,360 The puddings of Yorkshire! 462 00:22:32,360 --> 00:22:33,880 Oh, mint! Where'd you get them? 463 00:22:33,880 --> 00:22:35,240 You don't want to know. 464 00:22:35,240 --> 00:22:37,840 And you probably don't want to eat them. 465 00:22:37,840 --> 00:22:39,560 But is the thought that counts! 466 00:22:39,560 --> 00:22:41,600 Sort-of-cheers, Faruq. 467 00:22:41,600 --> 00:22:44,280 No, thank YOU. 468 00:22:44,280 --> 00:22:48,200 For, this morning, I have heard that my visa is being fast-tracked. 469 00:22:48,200 --> 00:22:50,280 Kilmarnock, here I come! 470 00:22:50,280 --> 00:22:51,320 Kilmarnock? 471 00:22:51,320 --> 00:22:53,480 Hmm. You'll be begging to come back within a month. 472 00:22:54,960 --> 00:22:56,440 Ah, Captain Ellen! 473 00:22:57,680 --> 00:22:58,720 For you! 474 00:22:59,880 --> 00:23:02,160 The Great Chinese Bake Off! 475 00:23:02,160 --> 00:23:03,760 Thanks! 476 00:23:03,760 --> 00:23:05,080 I am now back to work! 477 00:23:05,080 --> 00:23:09,640 Right. Well, could you get our ANA colleagues to have a look at what I've pulled out of the ground? 478 00:23:09,640 --> 00:23:11,000 With much pleasure! 479 00:23:21,640 --> 00:23:23,760 Oh, boss, you care to join me? 480 00:23:23,760 --> 00:23:25,480 Oh, sorry. IED report. 481 00:23:41,520 --> 00:23:42,840 What do you want, Simon? 482 00:23:42,840 --> 00:23:44,120 I just wanted to... 483 00:23:47,440 --> 00:23:49,120 We should actually be sitting... 484 00:23:49,120 --> 00:23:50,160 It doesn't matter. 485 00:23:50,160 --> 00:23:52,240 GUITAR STRUMS 486 00:23:55,920 --> 00:23:59,920 Ooh, got some flowers. I've never needed love before 487 00:23:59,920 --> 00:24:01,520 488 00:24:02,640 --> 00:24:04,600 489 00:24:04,600 --> 00:24:06,320 There we are. 490 00:24:06,320 --> 00:24:09,120 OK, clearly we DO need to talk. 491 00:24:09,120 --> 00:24:10,360 Farooq, shhh! 492 00:24:13,360 --> 00:24:15,320 There's been too much dishonesty recently, 493 00:24:15,320 --> 00:24:17,680 so I want you to be completely straight with me. OK. 494 00:24:17,680 --> 00:24:19,240 Do you find me attractive? 495 00:24:19,240 --> 00:24:20,880 No! The opposite of that. 496 00:24:22,000 --> 00:24:23,680 OK...and thanks, by the way. 497 00:24:23,680 --> 00:24:26,880 So, you're sure you don't have any feelings for me? 498 00:24:26,880 --> 00:24:29,840 Oh! Is this what you're getting from all this? Huh! 499 00:24:29,840 --> 00:24:31,720 Because if you do, that's OK. 500 00:24:31,720 --> 00:24:33,760 Is it? Yes. Then I do! 501 00:24:33,760 --> 00:24:35,120 I really do! I... 502 00:24:35,120 --> 00:24:38,240 I think I love you, Captain Best! 503 00:24:38,240 --> 00:24:41,480 But...I'm your superior officer, so you must get over them. 504 00:24:41,480 --> 00:24:44,360 I could go to Sandhurst, to be a Captain too. No. 505 00:24:44,360 --> 00:24:46,800 Or I could...quit the army, 506 00:24:46,800 --> 00:24:48,160 right now. 507 00:24:48,160 --> 00:24:49,320 I resign. 508 00:24:50,880 --> 00:24:53,800 I resi-i-i... VELCRO RIPS SLOWLY 509 00:24:53,800 --> 00:24:55,000 There! 510 00:24:55,000 --> 00:24:56,080 I'm free of the army. 511 00:24:56,080 --> 00:24:59,480 No, you're in breach of uniform regulations! Get a grip, Corporal! 512 00:24:59,480 --> 00:25:00,640 But... 513 00:25:00,640 --> 00:25:02,080 you have feelings for me too... 514 00:25:03,840 --> 00:25:04,920 ..don't you? 515 00:25:04,920 --> 00:25:07,640 I respect you very much as a soldier, 516 00:25:07,640 --> 00:25:09,000 but beyond that, no. 517 00:25:10,080 --> 00:25:11,680 But I saved your life! 518 00:25:11,680 --> 00:25:14,760 And you were doing your job. (Twice!) Both times. 519 00:25:14,760 --> 00:25:16,640 So, I'm sorry that you feel this way, Simon, 520 00:25:16,640 --> 00:25:18,920 but I do not, will not, and cannot reciprocate. 521 00:25:20,560 --> 00:25:21,720 Clear? Ma'am. 522 00:25:28,720 --> 00:25:30,680 GUITAR STRUMS 523 00:25:34,880 --> 00:25:37,720 524 00:25:37,720 --> 00:25:39,160 525 00:25:39,160 --> 00:25:41,720 526 00:25:41,720 --> 00:25:43,280 527 00:25:43,280 --> 00:25:44,880 528 00:25:44,880 --> 00:25:46,760 529 00:25:46,760 --> 00:25:48,320 530 00:25:48,320 --> 00:25:49,640 She loves me not. 531 00:25:50,640 --> 00:25:51,920 She loves me not. 532 00:25:53,120 --> 00:25:54,200 She loves me not. 533 00:25:56,480 --> 00:25:57,520 She loves me not. 534 00:26:01,080 --> 00:26:03,640 What the fuck did you make me do? 535 00:26:03,640 --> 00:26:05,640 Oh, it was therapy! 536 00:26:06,600 --> 00:26:10,400 If I hadn't done all that, you'd be hung up on her for years, like with Charlotte. But... 537 00:26:10,400 --> 00:26:12,080 Now, you can move on. 538 00:26:12,080 --> 00:26:13,200 Find someone new. 539 00:26:14,160 --> 00:26:15,560 There's no-one. 540 00:26:15,560 --> 00:26:17,440 SHE SIGHS There will be. 541 00:26:17,440 --> 00:26:20,600 Someone on your level. Someone who shows an interest in you. 542 00:26:20,600 --> 00:26:23,760 ROMANTIC WISTFUL GUITAR 543 00:26:27,560 --> 00:26:28,920 Fucking hell! 544 00:26:28,920 --> 00:26:30,360 Not me, you dickhead! 545 00:26:30,360 --> 00:26:32,960 Oh, God! Oh, God! 546 00:26:32,960 --> 00:26:34,000 Oh, God! 547 00:26:35,800 --> 00:26:36,880 (Oh, God.) 548 00:26:47,560 --> 00:26:48,640 Oh! 549 00:26:48,640 --> 00:26:50,240 Rifle's no fair! 550 00:26:50,240 --> 00:26:52,320 It's got to be a melee weapon! 551 00:26:52,320 --> 00:26:53,880 Fix bayonets. 552 00:26:57,640 --> 00:26:59,000 OK... 553 00:26:59,000 --> 00:27:00,600 but no bullets. 554 00:27:00,600 --> 00:27:01,800 That'd be cheating. 555 00:27:06,720 --> 00:27:10,120 LOW DRUM, SPEEDING UP 556 00:27:14,280 --> 00:27:16,040 On my signal, 557 00:27:16,040 --> 00:27:21,320 unleash he-e-e-e-ell! 558 00:27:21,320 --> 00:27:22,360 Argh! 559 00:27:22,360 --> 00:27:24,680 AIRHORN BLASTS 560 00:27:24,680 --> 00:27:26,120 My net! 561 00:27:26,120 --> 00:27:27,160 Ah! 562 00:27:27,160 --> 00:27:29,200 Ah, shit! No! 563 00:27:30,920 --> 00:27:32,320 Oh. 564 00:27:32,320 --> 00:27:34,000 Help! 565 00:27:34,000 --> 00:27:35,360 Well... 566 00:27:35,360 --> 00:27:36,680 that answered that question. 567 00:27:36,680 --> 00:27:38,800 ROCKET LAUGHS MADLY 568 00:27:40,360 --> 00:27:42,520 Fork! MAC GROANS 569 00:27:42,520 --> 00:27:45,680 Fork, fork, fork! MAC GROANS 570 00:27:45,680 --> 00:27:47,680 Fork! 571 00:27:47,680 --> 00:27:48,720 Fork! Fork...